


Vanity

by Liztalkstrash



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 12:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11207697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liztalkstrash/pseuds/Liztalkstrash
Summary: Written for Day 3 of Brotzly Week 2017 on Tumblr, the prompt being "headcanons".-Todd opened his mouth to explain, to ask if he could stay or to make an excuse and flee, but then he really looked at him, and what came out was, “Dirk, you can’t wear a baseball cap to bed.”





	Vanity

It was rough, breaking into the facility where Dirk was being held. Todd and Farah had attempted to be stealthy, but that plan had fallen apart pretty quickly and now an echoed cacophony followed them as they rushed down the hall towards Dirk’s room. They found him wrapped almost completely in a blanket in a narrow cot, his face poking out pale and gaunt and miserable, until he realized who they were and a naked joy broke across his features. Todd felt his heart break at the sight of him, which after all this time spend out of his mind with worry, he hadn’t realized was still possible. He let Farah bundle Dirk out the door, blanket and all, standing slightly behind them so Dirk couldn’t see he was crying.

Getting out was just as hard as getting in, but faster, and Todd’s head was spinning when they arrived at the safe house Farah had commandeered. He barely registered his sister and the Rowdy 3 taking over the truck they’d stolen, whooping and hollering and somehow squealing tires down the dirt road as they sped off. He had no idea where that weird murdery chick and her squirrely friend went, just that at some point it was only him, Farah, and Dirk. All he knew was that Dirk was here, and safe, and Dirk had stopped shaking at some point during the drive and was even giving small smiles as Todd and Farah doted on him.

Dirk was nodding off on the couch when Farah pulled Todd away, lowering her voice. “Should we just let him sleep there? Or get him into bed? I put his stuff in a room upstairs.”

Todd looked over at him, still swaddled in that horrible gray blanket, a horrible gray jumpsuit peeking out. He looked like an escaped convict, which wasn’t far off from the truth. Todd couldn’t stand it. “Yeah, I’ll see if I can’t get him upstairs and changed. Go get some rest.”

Farah nodded and Todd crouched by Dirk’s head, which was now drooping and drooling onto an armrest. “Hey buddy, c’mon, let’s get you in a real bed.”

“Mm? Mmm’okay.” Dirk stumbled upright, blinking asynchronously, and Todd nudged him in the right direction as Farah showed them the way before heading into her own room. He was swaying in the middle of the floor as Todd dug through his duffle bag for a tank top and clean briefs. He laid those out on the bed, then walked over and tugged lightly at the blanket to take it off.

Dirk jumped back, eyes wild as he clutched the blanket around him tighter.

Todd started, confused. “Whoa, hey, it’s okay, I just thought we could get you into your own clothes.” Then a lightbulb went off, and Todd felt his cheeks start to prickle. He stammered, “Oh, shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to- Uh. There’s a bathroom. Through that door.”

The panicked look fell from Dirk’s face, replaced by complete bewilderment. He stared at Todd for a while, before the light clicked on behind his own eyes. “Oh! Yes! Yes, exactly, that’s why I- Um. Yes, I think I’ll change in there.” He shuffled over to the bed and grabbed the clothes, then went over to the bag to grab something Todd couldn’t see before it was stuffed under the blanket.

Todd stalled in the room while Dirk was in the bathroom, wondering what to do next. He should really go to his own room, he didn’t want to make Dirk any more uncomfortable than he already had, but… He was worried. And he’d missed him. And he needed Dirk with him, needed to be able to see him with his own two eyes.

Todd was still dawdling when Dirk came out. Todd opened his mouth to explain, to ask if he could stay or to make an excuse and flee, but then he really looked at him, and what came out was, “Dirk, you can’t wear a baseball cap to bed.”

Dirk gave what he probably thought was a haughty sniff, tugging the hat down more securely. “I’m a grown man, Todd, I can wear whatever I like, whenever I like. And I’ve been through quite an ordeal, so if you’ll excuse me.” And with that proclamation, he flopped into bed, rolling the covers around him and making obviously fake snoring sounds.

Todd considered arguing with him, more for old times’ sake than anything else, but Dirk was right. He wasn’t his mom, and Dirk had been through hell. Let him wear a hat to bed if he wants.

Honestly, Todd thought as he clicked off the light and closed the door, listening to the fake snores slow into real ones, the whole encounter had been so… Dirk, that he no longer felt the overwhelming urge to cling to him. It was him, he was back. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. Which was good, because the adrenaline had worn off hours ago, and Todd just wanted to find his own bed and pass out.

The next morning was slow and a bit aimless. They didn’t know exactly how long they needed to hide out, or what they were going to do after, so the only plan for the day was to hunker down and hope they had managed to keep the CIA off their trail. Todd and Dirk trundled sleepily downstairs at roughly the same time to find some relatively edible oatmeal and Spam that Farah had cooked up from their rations. All three of them were wolfing it down when Dirk, now fully dressed but still wearing his “JR. ZOOKEEPER” cap from last night, asked, “So Farah, those hooligans didn’t make off with our only transport, did they? Because I’d rather not walk to the shops. Is there even a shop within walking distance? Actually, should have asked, where are we?”

Farah put down her spoon, frowning sympathetically. “Sorry Dirk, no going outside today. We’ve got enough supplies to last us until we can safely leave, so just let me know if you need anything and I’ll dig it out. Also, uh, definitely don’t go into the storage cellar by yourself, I think Patrick did something to the rats.” She picked up her spoon again and muttered into her bowl, “Or, well, there’s something down there that shouldn’t be that big...”

Dirk squirmed uncomfortably, fiddling with the brim and band of his hat. “Oh, I shouldn’t think there would be any harm in a quick trip to the pharmacy,” he said with false cheer. “In and out, you two can wait in the car, even! No trouble at all.”

Todd broke in. “Well first off, we are so not leaving you alone in public again, and second, we probably have meds, right Farah?”

She nodded emphatically. “Oh, we got meds. Anything you need. Not, like, super illegal stuff, but, y’know.”

Dirk obviously wasn’t satisfied with this assurance, but he shrugged and said, “No, I don’t really need anything. It was just a thought.”

That was pretty much that for the next few days. Farah kept herself busy checking up on the CIA’s movements and dealing with the several largish scuttling things in the cellar that seemed to be guarding something further down, while Todd and Dirk hung out and played with the pack of cards Todd had found in a kitchen drawer. Well, they attempted to play cards. Dirk seemed incapable of remembering the rules of even the simplest game for more than two turns. Still, it killed time, and it was nice, getting to know each other when no one was actively trying to murder them.

The weird thing was, though... Dirk was still wearing that hat. He was showering and changing into clean clothes every day, but the hat remained, its dark green clashing with all his outfits. It was driving Todd insane, which after several days of nothing to do in the middle of nowhere, wasn’t exactly a long trip.

“Okay, so... I pick up... this card?” Dirk squinted at him as his hand hovered indecisively over the card Todd had just put down.

“No. I pick up both of our cards,” Todd does so, showing them both to Dirk, “because mine outranks yours. Remember?”

“Ohhhhh, riiiiiight.” Dirk frowned at his deck. “And War really is the easiest game you know?”

“Yep. And I think we’ve definitively proved that, because you fucking suck at Go Fish.”

“I think we should try Speed again.”

“Ohhh no. No way. I think I actually aged another thirty years during that one game.”

“Hmm.” Dirk flumped back onto the carpet, holding on to his cap so it wouldn’t tumble off. “We should try Euchre! No idea what it involves, but I love the name.”

Todd was quiet for a moment, watching as Dirk adjusted the hat before letting his arms fall above his head. “Hey Dirk?”

“Yes?”

“What’s with the hat?”

Dirk stiffened, his stare now boring a hole into the ceiling. “I mean, it’s a hat, Todd. Head protection. Well, not protection, exactly, other than from the elements, which is a very valid thing to protect one’s head from, so really what I said stands-“

“Diiiiirk...” Todd leaned over him, a sly grin spreading across his face. “Why are you wearing a hat?” Slowly, trying not to tip Dirk off, his hand began to creep towards the other man’s head.

Dirk remained oblivious, now scowling at the baroque light fixture overhead. “Sorry Todd, but that is, pardon me, absolutely none of your beeswax.”

Todd lunged, laughing as he snatched the cap away. Dirk yelped and scrambled for it briefly, before rocking back and covering his head with his arms. It hit Todd suddenly that this was kind of a shitty thing to do, that maybe there was a reason Dirk was wearing this hat, other than being kind of a weird guy in general. “Oh, hey, dude, I’m sorry, I was just messing around. Here, sorry.” He held it back out to Dirk, who grabbed it one-handed and tried to put it on while revealing as little of his head as possible. Another thought struck him, and he started to feel a bit sick. “They didn’t... do anything to you, did they? L-like cut into it? Holy shit, Dirk, I didn’t even ask, are you okay?!”

Dirk studied him for a moment, uncharacteristically expressionless, before looking away and sighing heavily. “No, Todd, I’m perfectly fine, physically at least. It’s, well, it’s what they didn’t do, or rather, what I didn’t have the chance to do while being held against my will by nasty government people.”

Todd stared at him, confusion growing. “What, like... a haircut? I mean, no offense Dirk, but who gives a shit? Okay, no, actually, that sounds bad, I mean...” He took a deep breath. “I’m your best friend, Dirk, I don’t care if you look a little scruffy.” He tried not to think about what his face was doing as the image of a shaggier, ruffled Dirk passed through his mind.

“It’s not- well, it is a little longer than I usually like it, but that’s not what I...” Dirk sighed again, and put his hands up to the hat. “Look, promise you won’t laugh?”

Todd frowned, still worried about what had made Dirk so shifty. “Of course not,” he said softly.

Dirk removed the cap slowly, and Todd blinked. His hair was basically how he’d remembered it, a little longer but still the same style without any Frankensteinian scars marring it, but now he could see that running down along the part was a pure white stripe. “Oh,” said Todd.

Dirk stared down at the cap as he mashed it in his hands, his face screwing up in irritation. “Yes, you know, they were good enough to shave me, but apparently a little hair dye was too much to ask for. Not that I’d trust that horrid woman to buy the right color, I’d be lucky if I didn’t leave there bright green!”

“Oh my god.” Todd definitely didn’t know what his face was doing now.

Dirk looked up at him, and his pout deepened. “Oh, lovely. Yes, I’ve gone prematurely white. It happens, Todd! I’m not happy with it! Obviously!”

“Oh my god. You vain bastard.”

The look Dirk shot him was possibly the most affronted he’d ever seen. “I’m sorry?!”

Todd leaned over and scruffled his hair, earning him an equally affronted squawk. “It’s fine, you loser. You look fine. Jesus, you really had me scared there.”

Dirk started to smile bashfully, but did his best to school his features back into something more forbidding. “Fine?! This is anything but fine, Todd. Look at it!” He leaned forward, prodding at the line. “It’s practically the width of the Channel at this point,” he moaned.

“Oh, please.” Todd ducked his head under Dirk’s, grinning up at him as he pointed at his own scalp. “Look at all this! I’m probably gonna be joining you in a few years, especially with all the crap you drag me into.”

Dirk giggled, and Todd realized how close they were. He blushed, and tried to sit back up, but Dirk grabbed his face in his hands, an intense look in his eyes. “Todd.”

“Y-yeah?” Todd could feel his pulse thrumming in his neck, and he wondered if Dirk could feel it too.

Dirk looked at him a little longer, before his face crinkled into a broad smile. “I can’t believe you laughed at my hair, you absolute bastard,” he said as he closed the distance between them.

**Author's Note:**

> My thoughts on Hairgate, basically! I couldn’t fit in a reference to it in the fic proper, but Dirk’s hair color is a dead ringer for my 6th grade Latin teacher’s, who also went completely white at a relatively young age. She rarely touched up her roots, though. Also, fun fact, the cards scene is one my buddy Logan and I have reenacted many times over the years, with me as Dirk. Hope you enjoyed, I haven’t posted or even finished a fic in years, but I love the creativity in this fandom and I wanted to give back. :)  
> -  
> Tumblr post: https://liztalkstrash.tumblr.com/post/161829648650/vanity


End file.
